OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Thursday
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!