*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.