My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”