At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My patronus is a cheeseburger
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.