Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
This is my bus stop.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.