One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.