[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
no their not
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously