[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
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I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.