Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Nothing.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup