Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
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Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants