Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.