People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
God has left this place
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.