“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid