Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.