[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
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‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers