[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.