If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.