me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.