one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
You Might Also Like
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I don’t get marriage
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.