Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.