2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
You Might Also Like
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Safety first
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Goat cheese is for herders.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.