My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
<—- homeless romantic
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!