I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
You Might Also Like
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
me refusing to leave twitter
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay