I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask đź‘ŹFor đź‘ŹHelp đź‘Ź
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together