Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
😂😂
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”