Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.