“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
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Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.