Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
You Might Also Like
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.