Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea