if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area