[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
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Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.