My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
ugh not again
is this meant to deter me
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Bringing home a sharpie
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store