Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
wtf is a larm clock?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
be careful
where do you see yourself in five years?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑