I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”