I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Why is this me 😫
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.