In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
nyc:
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job