My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.