Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…