Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.