Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
You Might Also Like
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
welp
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.