WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
You Might Also Like
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
At least my masseuse has my back.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
waiting for halloween be like:
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂