Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”