God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
live, laugh, laundry.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.