Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”