Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.