Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My dog ate my work from home.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”