I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.