Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find