Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
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[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I need a headline like this
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!