When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.